I was never really all that social. Growing up I was always treated like an outcast and a freak. I didn't have many friends all through childhood as well as adulthood. Those I did seem to connect with were those who felt like no one cared. Looking back now it seems like I was trying to save them from the same fate I had. Destined to be lonely forever. Some say that if you are surrounded by people there is no way to be lonely and this I find to be untrue. I have been unloved most of my life, which is why I am so lonely. I prefer to be alone due to having Social Anxiety, but would like to be loved someday. I wasn't always this way. I used to crave being around people in hopes that the loneliness would go away. No matter how many people I surrounded myself with I was still lonely. I learned as time went on that they were only around me to see what they could get from me. I still have people like that trying to get close to me. I have trust issues, it takes a long time for me to trust someone. I always think that someone is only being nice to me because they want something from me. I feel that once they get what they want they are gone.
None of what I said so far really has to do with my social anxiety, but I wanted to tell you a little bit about me, Let me start with explaining what social anxiety is with the help of webMd.:
Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Anxiety (intense nervousness) and self-consciousness arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged, and criticized by others.
My social anxiety is psychological, I avoid crowds the best I can. I don't like public speaking. I have a hard time with sending emails, writing blogs or even posting on social media. I fight with myself to such things and usually after 20 minutes of debating whether or not the person receiving what I'm sending is going to even care to look at it, i finally send it. Then I start wondering if I just made an idiot of myself. I am a newly self-published author and I feel the reason I not know is because my social anxiety makes it hard for me to reach out to people for reviews. I have tried to send emails to reviewers but they now sit in my draft folder. I worry about not being good enough. This is something that affects what I do every day, It is even hard for me to even go to the grocery store.
I want to write, it helps soothe my demons and I feel that my stories can frighten and entertain those who like horror stories. I learned that even though I am not a social butterfly I have a voice and I need to try and find it, Writing helps give me that voice. I have a "I don't care what people think" kind of attitude because in a sense I don't. There is a part of me however that has always wanted to accepted and has failed to do so, That part of me is the part where the anxiety stems from.
The writing part of being a writer is not the hardest part for me 'cause I can sit alone, listen to music and have conversations on paper with my demons and imaginary friends. As I write I don't feel judged or unloved which may seem strange to some. The hardest part for me is the promoting, marketing of my books. That part is the hardest because I know that people are cynical towards those who are not like them and I know I don't fit in. I, as a writer, am trying to overcome my struggle with dealing with people. I may not ever become a best selling author but if I could win over the social anxiety to do what I love the most then I will have all I ever asked for.
I will still get nervous standing in front of people and I will still feel like my writing is never good enough. I however refuse to let any of that stop me from getting book reviews or eventually book signings. Being a writer with social anxiety is an everyday struggle that I refuse to define me.
If you have any questions, suggestions or experiences you would like to share feel free to leave a comment.
